


Only Love Survives

by quercus



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-08-15
Updated: 2002-08-15
Packaged: 2017-10-05 02:11:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/36652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quercus/pseuds/quercus





	Only Love Survives

I'd been negotiating with the Rahimans for over a week now, on behalf of the Chhira. We'd gone to P5X-699 only to discover a cold war between the two countries that was quickly escalating into outright warfare. For reasons I still didn't understand, both sides had asked SG-1 to intervene, and General Hammond had asked me, as earth's cultural liaison, to work with them to avoid the coming war.

How an archaeologist and linguist became a diplomat, I never knew. Like Topsy, I just grew into one. And I liked the work, I thought I was good at it and took pride in helping opposing sides find common ground.

I liked both the cultures of P5X-699. The Chhira were an agrarian people, choosing to live close to the land, whereas the Rahimans had moved quickly, perhaps too quickly, into a city-based culture. Their dispute was, not surprisingly, over land -- both countries claimed the same land, along a lush river that ran for hundreds of miles. SG-1 had been taken there and I thought Jack would move there. Plentiful fish, beautiful rolling hills, clean water and skies -- it was no wonder both countries wanted it.

And both had legitimate historic ties to it, and both had people living along the river. The Chhira wanted it to remain as it was, good farm land, but the Rahimans wanted to dam the river for power, and to mine the land for a fossil fuel they called _guta_. Sam thought it might be a kind of coal. But their level of industrial development entailed digging up the land, tearing away the topsoil and revealing the bones of the land beneath, destroying its beauty. No wonder the Chhira were ready to fight.

The last day I met with them was a beautiful clear mild day. We were in the largest city in Chhira, really just a big town, in the civic center, a low stone building set on the crest of a hill looking to the west. We'd talked all day, and for the first time, I felt we'd made progress. The sun was nearing the horizon when I stood and stretched my back, and sighed.

"You are tired, Doctor Jackson," Chandra told me, smiling sadly, and I nodded. "We should break for a meal soon." She turned to the Rahimans. "You will eat with us?"

Their spokesman, Tau, didn't answer. I watched him curiously, for despite their differences and the desperate situation, the negotiators had never been rude. And then I heard it.

A low pulsing noise, like a distant heartbeat. A thrum in the air, in the earth itself, so distant I thought at first I was imagining it. But then Tau lifted his head, and Chandra turned toward me, puzzled.

No one spoke. The others rose and joined me at the window as the volume increased. I could feel the rhythmic throb through my entire body now. The sun dropped lower and the sky darkened, but not with sunset. Something filled the air, something so black that it absorbed the sunlight. The glass in the windows began to tremble, and the water in the carafe on the table shivered in time with the low pulse.

"I'm sorry," Tau said, and his partner Mira began to cry.

"What's happening?" Chandra whispered, but I knew.

"No," I told him. "Stop it. You can stop it."

"No, I can't," Tau said, and tears trembled in his eyes in time with the throbbing windows and water and air. "I can't."

"They are coming," Chandra said, her voice barely audible above the growing noise.

"But you're here," I said to Tau and Mira. "They won't do anything while you're here."

But he was shaking his head, and the tears fell from his dark eyes. "We are already dead."

I turned to look out the window and now I could see them: enormous ships, like helicopters, only larger, like flying buildings, their rotors slicing through the air, and as I watched they began to drop bombs that burst into flame, and the beautiful countryside exploded into a firestorm. "Jack," I whispered, and then ran.

I ran down the stairs and into the streets, where the people were screaming and weeping. "Jack!" I bellowed, racing toward our quarters. I tripped over goods left in the street, caroming off others racing past me. The vibration filled the world; I couldn't hear anything but the throb of the monstrous ships. In the distance I could see the silver gleam of the stargate disappear in a white-hot explosion and then suddenly Jack had me.

"They're taking the land," I shouted at him, but he couldn't hear me. Around us the bombs fell, and I could feel the heat and smell the destruction. We held onto each other, staring into each other's eyes, and in his brown eyes I saw reflected the fiery maelstrom swelling around us. Soot and ashes settled on us and the air became hotter, harder to breathe. I hugged him tighter and reached up to kiss him.

He kissed me back, passionately, and I knew then that he'd wanted what I had all along, and that now, as we were dying, only now could we admit it, to ourselves and to each other. I kissed him as the heat swelled, and sweat poured off our bodies and the air throbbed like a broken heart, and I wept at the loss of everything I loved, and he wept with me.

I woke gasping, and found Jack leaning over me. "Oh, Christ," I said, and tried to be quiet, but it was too late; behind Jack, Sam and Teal'c sat up, watching me, their faces anxious.

"That dream again?" Jack whispered, but I just hugged him. What could I say? The dream I'd had so often, a nightmare that grew no doubt out of all our experiences. I hung onto Jack and he held me tightly. I was ashamed, but he felt so good.

"I hate this place," Sam said, and she started to cry. Teal'c pulled her to him, and the four of us sat huddled together on the bed in that luxurious prison where we'd been for so long. "I want to go home," she whispered. Jack kissed my temple, and I leaned against him.

"Why do they refuse to let us return home?" Teal'c asked, and for him to ask that question, I knew he was nearing some end. But we didn't know the answer. We'd come through the stargate and now here we were. Presumably General Hammond had sent in a rescue team, or maybe two. Maybe they were locked up in another room, or maybe we were so well hidden nobody had found anything and now we were officially MIA.

Although they'd taken everything from us, including our chronometers, and there was no way to measure day or night, Sam had had two menstrual periods, so I knew we'd been here at least two months. At first Jack had been wild to leave, coming up with crazy escape plans. I think our captors were drugging our food, because we all slept so much and had such powerful dreams. Eventually, Jack calmed down, whether because of the drugs or because he realized we needed to bide our time, I don't know.

Or maybe because we'd started kissing, after one of the dreams. I loved to kiss Jack. I couldn't get enough of it. We hadn't had any sex yet, but I knew we would. Two people couldn't kiss that much, that often, that well, and not end up having sex. I had decided that when we got home, I wouldn't let him forget. He'd be embarrassed, but too bad.

And if we never got home, if we lived the rest of our lives in this fancy prison cell, then we'd work something out with Sam and Teal'c, and either way, the kisses would never end. Never.

My dream about the bombs taught me that: Kiss now. Love now. Because the end is coming, and we are, in important ways, already dead.

~ ~ ~

"He's down here," Daniel Jackson said, pointing. "I can hear him bashing around down there. Jack!"

I have excellent hearing and was forced to take a step back.

"Jack! They're here!" Daniel Jackson twisted his head back to look at us. "He's getting a bit hard of hearing. Or pretends to be. I'm never sure which. Jack!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," O'Neill's voice rose from the reeds. "Don't get your panties in a twist."

"Jesus," Daniel Jackson sighed.

"What on earth is he doing down there?" Samantha asked him.

"Looking for crawdads. Or the Abydonian equivalent. They live in the reeds."

"You eat them?" She sounded disbelieving.

"Carter? That you?"

"Yes, sir!" My wife leaned forward, pushing at the thick reeds blocking our view. "Where are you?"

"Stop bellowing, I'm right here," O'Neill said, and clambered up the bank, grabbing onto roots and stones to pull his way up. Daniel Jackson reached down and took his hand, hauling him up to meet us.

"Damn, you look good!" He embraced Samantha, kissing her cheek noisily, and then stared at me. "You ever gonna get old, Teal'c?"

"I hope to achieve that distinction some day, O'Neill."

He smiled at me. "Not in my life, I guess." Then he hugged me, and I felt how much muscle mass he had lost in the five years since I'd last seen him. I gently embraced him and, when he pulled away, kissed his forehead.

"Blessings on you, O'Neill."

"Thank you, Teal'c," Daniel Jackson said softly, and put his arm around O'Neill's waist. "You okay?" he whispered, and O'Neill nodded. His face was red, from sun or emotion I could not tell.

Samantha took O'Neill's arm and we began the walk back to Nagada. "Wait," O'Neill said suddenly, and scrambled back down into the water, splashing loudly. "Forgot the crawdads. Thought we'd boil 'em up for dinner." He returned in a moment with a dripping sack before climbing up, this time with Samantha's assistance. "Maybe as hors d'oeuvres."

"Whatever you want, Jack," Daniel Jackson told him, and I glanced at Samantha, who smiled at me. We were pleased to be with our friends again.

"So. What took you so long to get back?" O'Neill asked, panting a bit with the effort of the hike. I took the sack of crawdads from him, holding it well away from me. The quality of the water and the odor of the creatures inside did not bode well for our dinner that night.

"I honestly can't say," Samantha told him. "We meant to come back sooner. But something always came up."

"You got important jobs now. Not retired like me and Danny."

"Daniel Jackson is hardly retired," I observed.

"Well, he ain't galloping around the galaxy anymore, like some people we know."

"That's true," Daniel Jackson said thoughtfully, guiding O'Neill up a slippery sand dune. "I can't remember the last time I left Abydos. And of course, you won't anymore."

"Not gonna step through that gate again. I figure I pushed my luck on that as far as I want to. Where would I go, anyway?"

"The Nox would love to see you again," Samantha told him. This was true. We had met with Lya only a few weeks earlier. She had also expressed an interest in seeing Daniel Jackson again.

"Yeah," O'Neill said, and sighed. "Loved those guys. Well, they'll just have to visit me, if they wanna see me that badly."

We were approaching the gates to the city, where Skaara now ruled. It was much changed from when I had first begun to visit it, when I was First Prime of the false god Apophis. No longer forced to labor in the naquada mines for Ra, the people had grown well off and happy. The city was larger and cleaner, and I could see the influence of many worlds in the newer buildings and the inhabitants' clothing. I was particularly struck by the enormous running shoes many of the young men wore.

"Danyel!" a small female child squealed, and raced through the crowded plaza, dodging mastadges and humans alike, until she'd flung herself into Daniel Jackson's arms.

"Hey, pumpkin," he said, and kissed her cheek. "I want you to meet some old friends of ours. This is Doctor Samantha Carter, and this is her husband, Teal'c."

The little girl looked curiously up at me, at the device on my forehead. "You're a Jaffa," she announced. "Daddy says Jaffa are to be respected for the battles they won."

"Your father is a wise and kind man," I told her, and bowed. She giggled.

"Hello, sweetie," Samantha said. "What's your name?"

"Sammie," she said, and whispered into Daniel Jackson's ear. She said, "How come she has my name?"

"Because you were named after her," Daniel Jackson said loud enough for Samantha to hear. "Sam, this is your namesake, Sammie."

"Oh, I've heard so much about you!" Samantha said, and held out her hand. "I'm very pleased to meet you."

"What do you say, Sammie?" Daniel Jackson whispered.

Sammie said doubtfully, "Pleased to meet you?"

"Thank you," Samantha said, at the same moment that Daniel Jackson said, "Good girl," and kissed her again.

"What about your old Grampa Jack?" O'Neill said, but Sammie turned away. "Aw, fer --"

"Jack. Give her some time."

"I'll give her time. Dammit, Sammie, you know I was only lookin' out for you."

Sammie stared into the crowded plaza; I realized that people were gathering around us. "Not now, Jack," Daniel Jackson advised, and turned to face our audience.

"Danyel, Danyel," they called, and reached out to him.

"You remember Major Carter," he asked those nearest, and many smiled and nodded. "And her husband, Teal'c. They've returned for a visit."

"You will not take our Danyel away again, will you?" one old man asked me.

I shook my head. "I have no such power," I reassured them. "I have only come to visit my friends."

The people relaxed, and I realized the sight of a Jaffa in their city was still disturbing to the older inhabitants. It hadn't been that many years since the appearance of one of my brothers would be cause for terrible distress. Daniel Jackson started walking again, talking quietly to the people he passed. O'Neill remained quite near him, although a step behind. Samantha held his hand as they walked.

"You're looking well, sir," she told him.

"I'm gettin' old, Carter. I'm nearly seventy now. Even with the new meds and treatments they got, that's old. You sure look good for your age, though."

"Thank you. I always say that Teal'c keeps me young."

O'Neill glanced at me, and I saw his shrewd eyes gleam in the brilliant midday sun. "I can see that. Funny, how we paired off. There were those who said you and me'd get together."

Samantha shook her head. "No, sir. You were Daniel's from the day I met you. Took me a while to see that, but."

Daniel Jackson glanced back at them and smiled. "Took me a while, too. But you're right, Sam."

"Well, it took me a while to figure out who Teal'c was to me, too," she said, and then took my hand. I smiled at her, and watched with pleasure as O'Neill stared at me. Samantha had taught me to smile, and I still enjoyed the shock on old friends' faces when I did.

"Why is Sammie mad at you, sir?" Samantha asked O'Neill in an undertone.

"Oh, she was playing out in the desert. Where the big kids go, that's the draw. Anyway, she was all alone. We couldn't find her, so I checked out there and found her and dragged her back. She's still pissed at me."

"Are you still mad at Grampa Jack?" Daniel Jackson whispered to her. She thrust out her lower lip and stared ahead of her, silent. "Guess so. Sorry, Jack."

"Well, what the hell was I supposed to do? Leave her out there for some wild critter to have her for dinner?"

Daniel Jackson looked over his shoulder at O'Neill, who suddenly smiled at him, and fell silent.

At last we crossed the high threshold leading to Skaara's home. His father had lived and ruled here, as his father and his before him had. Now Skaara, his wife, and their three daughters lived here, along with Daniel Jackson and O'Neill. Samantha and I had our own quarters here as well for some time, but nearly six years ago had relinquished them when we realized we weren't able to visit as frequently. Still, it was a homecoming of sorts, and I was happy to stand in the anteroom to Skaara's audience chambers again.

"They know you're coming," Daniel Jackson warned me, but he was smiling. Then we turned into Skaara's receiving room.

He sat in a simple chair, not a throne as Ra or Apophis would have, but a small and uncomfortable looking chair. His wife was not there, but his eldest daughter Sha'uri was. I stepped back and looked at her.

Her resemblance to her late aunt was remarkable. She carried herself with the same queenly posture that had drawn Apophis to the first Sha'uri so many years ago. Her hair, skin, and eyes were the same. She stood to Skaara's right and one step back, a suitable position for an apprentice ruler. One day she would govern Nagada, and whoever governed Nagada had a great deal of say in governing the world of Abydos.

"Samantha! Teal'c!" her father cried, and sprang up from his chair. Skaara was well into his middle years now. I am frequently struck by how quickly humans age; watching them is like watching the leaves of a tree that blossom and grow and die and are replaced. I had seen that with Kasuf and Skaara, and I would see it again soon with Skaara and Sha'uri.

Samantha and Skaara hugged fiercely; they had formally adopted each other as brother and sister shortly after Daniel Jackson and O'Neill had moved here permanently. It was a good alliance. Very political astute of Samantha, although I had never succeeded in getting her to admit that.

"Teal'c," he greeted me more formally, and we bowed. Then I embraced him as I had O'Neill, for he was family, too, now, and I owed him the respect due both to a great leader of a fine people and to a kinsman. "You have been too long gone," he scolded me. Nearly two heads shorter than I, he still carried the unconscious arrogance of one who knows how to wield power.

"I beg your forgiveness," I began, but he waved my apologies away.

"Later, later. Now, we will drink and reminisce. Sha'uri, my heart --" but she was already gesturing for attendants to carry in platters of food and drink.

"I brought crawdads," O'Neill told her, and she carefully took the still-dripping bag from me.

"We will boil them for a late supper," she said gently to him. "Just for family; no one else." He kissed her fondly, and watched as she carried the creatures away. Then he turned back to us.

"You are a fortunate man," I told O'Neill, "to watch your friends' children grow into such fine people."

"Yeah," he said, a little sadly, I thought, and Daniel Jackson took his hand, and I felt my wife slip her small hand into mine.

Then I awoke and realized that Major Carter was asleep. Her eyelids flickered, and I knew she was dreaming, too.

My symbiote stirred unhappily, and I tried to meditate on the differences between my waking and dreaming life, here in this prison.

~ ~ ~

She said, "I would never presume to tell you to do something so drastic. In the first place, you wouldn't. At least, most people wouldn't. And in the second place, it would upset you if you did, and I wouldn't like to see you upset. So, no. I'm not going to tell you to leave him."

Her voice caught my attention; I glanced around until I saw her, talking to another woman. She was striking. Pretty, although I couldn't say why. A little heavy maybe. Voluptuous. Unusual clothes, too. Boots and a long skirt with a fuzzy sweater and a fuzzier shawl. Autumn colors. Her friend was thinner and prettier and better dressed, but the speaker was the one who caught my eye. And ear.

Her friend said, "But I don't know what to do." She had a whine. I looked away.

"I think you do. What do you want?"

"I dunno."

"All right. What do you want me to tell you?"

I peeked out of the corner of my eye at them; the question was a good one, I thought.

"What do -- what do you mean, what do I want you to tell me?"

"Just that."

The first woman stared at her friend, quietly waiting for an answer. The silence stretched on, but she didn't seem to get uncomfortable or antsy. She just waited, and listened.

Something about her reminded me of Daniel. Dunno why. Weird clothes, I suppose. Her way of speaking, so direct and honest.

At last her friend said, "I don't know what you mean," and turned to stare out the window. The woman in the boots met my eye and raised her eyebrows; I smiled back, and then we looked away.

Like Daniel, how we were on the same page for a minute. I liked that.

I opened my eyes and I wasn't on a train anymore, eavesdropping to strangers' conversations. I was back where I'd been all along, locked in this room with my teammates.

Shit.

Daniel lay across the foot of the bed, snoring lightly. Teal'c was sitting kel-no-reem, only minus the candles, of course. Carter was slumped against the side of the bed, sitting on the floor, her arms on the bed and her head in her arms. She looked uncomfortable as hell and sound asleep.

I was also lying on the bed; for some reason my head was next to Daniel's hip, instead of on the pillows at the head. Who knew.

"You are awake, O'Neill," Teal'c murmured, and I sighed.

"Yeah. Guess."

"Did you dream again?"

"On a train somewhere. Think it was a train. Does it matter?"

"Daniel Jackson believes it does."

"Let him get his own dreams."

"I did," Daniel said, and shifted slightly, so he could see me. I met his eyes a little shyly; it wasn't everyday I slept with my head tucked up against his hip.

"And?" I asked. Carter sighed loudly and shifted, but went back to sleep. "Wonder what she's dreamin' about?"

"We will ask her when she awakens. In the meantime, I wish you and Daniel Jackson to tell me your dreams."

"In your dreams," I couldn't resist saying, even though I knew Daniel would smack my forehead, and he did.

"Sorry, no," Daniel said, and rolled to face the other way.

Even though I wasn't about to tell my dreams, I reminded him, "You said our dreams were important. Here. That that's why we're here." It sounded ridiculous, but Daniel often sounded most ridiculous when he was most right. Pissed me off.

"Yeah," he mumbled, but didn't turn back towards us. I sighed and looked at Teal'c, who closed his eyes. Carter slept on.

I had no way of knowing how long we'd been here. Our chronometers, our packs, all our equipment had been taken; there weren't any windows, so there wasn't any night or day. We were fed, but our captors rolled in a big cart, like at a fancy hotel, full of bread and fruit and cooked meat, and wheeled it out again when it was empty. So they were watching us, to know that, although neither Teal'c nor I had been able to find any cameras or microphones.

The food cart also brought fresh towels and robes and stuff we used as sheets on the bed. There was a big bathroom, too, with a toilet and a tub, although no door, so we'd gotten good at not looking or listening to each other using the facilities. So we were clean and fed and locked up tighter'n a horse's ass in fly time.

One time we'd tried to fight our way out, but that hadn't been any good. We'd busted up a cart and injured the two people who'd brought it, but the hall outside was just as locked as our room. We tried holding the two people hostage, but after a while, we'd gotten pretty hungry. Nobody was angry at us, not even the people we'd injured. They didn't talk to us or seem afraid we'd kill them. Nothing. After a while, Daniel got disgusted and told us to let them go. After a while, we did.

So now they came and went unmolested. And after that, every few days some wine would come with the food cart, and four mugs. Unbreakable, of course; nothing we could turn into much of a weapon. I thought maybe we were being rewarded for not doing anything too extreme.

So we slept and talked. No books, no tv, no radio, no windows. Just a big bed, the food cart, and the bathroom.

I was bored stupid. Bored enough to want to try to fight my way out again, but Daniel counseled patience. So intead of trying again, I worked out a rota for cleaning and exercise, basic stuff to keep us from getting too soft or going too crazy. But even that left plenty of time to sleep.

And that was the other thing. Sleeping led to dreams, like nothing I'd ever experienced before. Really vivid dreams, like real life stuff. Sometimes it was real life, but a little changed. Sometimes it was embarrassing. Mostly we shared, but we didn't push when somebody opted out. Because we'd all had those embarrassing dreams, I knew.

Sexy dreams, mostly, for me. Sometimes embarrassing in other ways, like remembering when I'd done or said something stupid in public and people had laughed or been mean, but usually they were embarrassing because they were sexy. Maybe if I could see how confessing my wet dreams to the team would get us out of here I would, but until then, no fucking way.

But I remembered them when I was awake. I'd look at Daniel, because all the sexy dreams were about Daniel, and wonder what the fuck was wrong with me. Who hasn't been attracted to a guy? Or noticed that another guy is good looking? That's just plain human nature. But I'd never acted on those thoughts. Although you sure wouldn't guess that from my dreams.

I had dreamed a memory, though, that made me wonder if maybe dreaming about having sex with Daniel wasn't. Well. Anyway, when I'd been a little kid, like maybe five or six, I'd had a best friend. Chris, short for Christopher. His mom called him Chrissy, like a girl, and he hated that. I kinda liked it, though.

I really loved Chris. He was my first best friend, and we did everything together. I can't remember much; it was over forty years ago, after all. But I remember running to his house first thing in the morning, when his mom was still in her nighty and robe, and he and I would take off, running around the neighborhood, having adventures, making up stuff, playing with our toys. It was great.

One day we were coming home from playing in the little park not far from where we lived. We were holding hands, the way we did, and these big kids stopped us. I couldn't figure out what they wanted or what they were saying, but even I knew they were being mean, trying to make us cry. I tugged on Chris's hand and we tried to run away, but they laughed at us. That was the first time I heard the word "faggot." Little faggots, they yelled at us, laughing. Look at them little faggots.

My mom told me that was a bad word I shouldn't use, and that maybe I should play with some of the other neighbor kids once in a while.

I'd forgotten all about that until I had the dream. We moved to Chicago not long after that, and I never saw Chrissy again. Never even thought about him again until that dream.

I lay on the bed with my head next to Daniel's hip and wondered if that's why I was dreaming sexy dreams about Daniel, because I'd been a faggot all these years and didn't know it. Was that possible? Daniel had told me that we're formed more by nurture than nature. Culture makes us who we are, he'd said. I hadn't really been listening at the time, seeing as we were negotiating for our lives with some bad ass characters, but obviously I remembered that.

So maybe I was nurtured into being straight when really I was gay? Was that possible?

And what the fuck did it matter, anyway. Not like I was gonna be doing Daniel here, in front of Carter and Teal'c, even if that's what the dreams were all about.

I closed my eyes and slept some more.

We were walking down some street, I don't know where, but in a big city. A big clean city, so obviously a dream, not a memory. Me and Daniel, and, like me and Chris all those years ago, we were holding hands. Only this time nobody noticed, nobody gave a rat's ass at all. It felt great. Really free, like maybe I'd wanted to do this my whole life, ever since Chris, but never had been able to. We came to a corner and kissed while waiting for the light to change. I'd kissed Daniel a lot in my dreams since we'd been here, so even in this new dream, it felt familiar and right. The shape of his mouth under mine, his breath in mine, his taste. Better than anything I ever tasted. The light changed and we crossed the street with a bunch of people, and nobody did anything. An old lady smiled at us crossing from the other side, and I could see our reflections in the window of a big department store, Daniel and me, holding hands, swinging our hands as we walked. Daniel was talking again, but I wasn't paying attention. I waited till we were on the other side and safely out of traffic, and then I put my hands on his hips and swung him around to face me and I kissed him again, really hard.

God, I wanted him so much. "Where can we go?" I whispered to him between kisses.

"My office," he gasped, and tugged at my hand. We walked to a big civic-looking building, maybe a museum, and went inside. A guard said, "Good afternoon, Doctor Jackson. Isn't it your day off?"

Daniel said, "I wanted to show my friend my office."

The guard smiled and said, "It's a nice office, but you really need to clean it out a bit."

Then the elevator came and we went up for a long time and then got off and walked down a long hallway, still holding hands, even though the other office doors were open and people were standing in the hall having conversations or sticking their heads in other people's offices talking, and everybody said, "Hi, Daniel," or "Hey, Doctor Jackson, that artifact came from Bogota you were waiting for, I stuck it on your desk."

Then Daniel was unlocking a door, smiling at me as if he were going to give me the best present ever, and when he opened the door, I thought maybe he had. Because he had a big office that was full of cool shit, like toys for grownups, and there was a big desk with a handsome brass light with a green shade on it, and behind it, in an alcove with a big window, was a couch. He shut and locked the door behind us, led me to the couch, and we half fell on it, kissing before we landed, and I didn't want to ever leave.

"Let's move in here," I said as I licked his nipple right through his white dress shirt, and he wrapped his legs around my waist and pushed his hard dick against me and groaned.

There was a lot more, really sexy, and naked, and I remember staring at his dick, red and hard, and thinking that I never thought I'd find a dick sexy but I thought his dick was sexy, and then I sucked him until he came in my mouth, thick and salty and actually not very nice, but sexy in a dirty way.

Then he turned me over and fucked me.

When I woke up from the dream I was really embarrassed, because I'd come in my robe. Nobody said anything when I got up to wash myself off and change robes, but I was too embarrassed to look at them, so I don't know if they didn't notice or were just being polite.

That was both my most and least favorite dream I'd ever had. Ever.

So now you know why I'm wondering if how I felt about Chris when I was five years old was really significant but I didn't know it was until just now. What was I supposed to do with this knowledge? Was it knowledge? Was it wisdom? Or was it just a weird fucking dream?

I came out of the bathroom and everybody, even Teal'c, looked asleep. One thing about this gig was we were catching up on our sleep, and since SG-1 was chronically underslept, I suppose that was a good thing. Already I could feel myself being pulled back under. Just like an undertow, pulling me down. I half fell on the bed, the same way I'd half fell on Daniel's couch in the dream, and fell asleep again.

I woke up with all the others when the food cart was being exchanged. The smell of fresh bread and something hot and spicy pulled me out of sleep. The same two guys we'd beat up and tried to hold hostage were still doing the work, and they still smiled at us although they never said a word, not even when I'd been punching one of them in the head. I was kind of ashamed of that now, which I realize was the Stockholm thingy, but I still felt ashamed. All they did was bring me fresh food and towels and clothes and every now and then some wine, and I'd punched them and kicked them and tied them up with strips torn from the bedding. Seemed ungracious now.

Whatever they brought us -- Daniel always called it chicken -- was really good, steaming hot and spicy enough to bring tears to my eyes. Bread and crisp vegetables and a kind of fruit I'd come to look forward to. No wine this go-round, though.

We didn't talk much anymore. I think we'd said everything there was to say, and then said it six more times. I wasn't bored of their company; I could never be bored of my team, but everybody needs some time alone and the only way to get any there was by being quiet. So we ate, and then cleaned up. Then Carter said, "I'm going to take a bath," so we all faced the other way. I'd gotten used to hearing her pee, splashing into the water in the toilet bowl, just the way I'd had to get used to knowing the others could hear me in there, doing my business. At first it had been really uncomfortable, and I'd been constipated for days, but now it was just something we did.

Teal'c didn't have any candles, but he did sit kel-no-reem, so Daniel and I left him some space, too. We lay on the bed facing away from the bathroom door and didn't talk. Just were together. I couldn't help but remember my dreams, with him so near me. We were practically pressed up together, even though it was a really big bed, so I stroked his back, from the shoulders to the curve of his hips, and then back up to his shoulders. He sighed and relaxed into me. It was really nice.

We were as alone as we ever got, and I knew he'd been having dreams, too, because he turned his head, looked me in the eye for a few seconds, and then leaned over and kissed me. I kissed him back.

It was just like in my dreams. Same feeling, same taste. So I kissed him back, harder, and we rolled onto our sides so we faced each other. Then we heard Carter getting out of the bath, so we stopped. But now I knew. Now Daniel knew.

Dreams come true, sometimes.

~ ~ ~

I tried to patient. I was always a good girl, the good girl, the epitome of a good girl, and good girls are patient and respectful and silent. But it wasn't easy, not here.

How long would we be kept here? There seemed no escape. We could try holding hostages again, but the last time it seemed pretty clear that we and they would be permitted to starve to death before we were released. Only by death would we be released.

I hated it here.

I hated sharing the bed with the others, having them so knowledgeable about my most intimate functions. It was one thing to hear one of the men pissing into the toilet, and quite another to know they could hear me. And I was always worried about my periods, whether I'd make a mess in the communal bed. Our captors brought what I used as menstrual pads, but nothing like tampons. God, I missed tampons.

I hated not shaving, too. Daniel and the colonel grew respectable beards, and all three of them had longish hair now, even Teal'c, though his was tightly curled. But I had hair under my arms and my legs itched with it. I felt ugly.

And the dreams were humiliating. I refused to tell them all the details; they didn't need to know. Daniel said our dreams were the whole point, and I thought he was right, but they didn't tell me all their details, either. I could tell. The colonel would stutter and roll his eyes. Teal'c spoke slower and slower. And Daniel just refused. I was better at lying than any of them, I guess; I never outright refused to tell, I just didn't.

I tossed restlessly, no longer sorry that I might be keeping the others away, because nothing could keep them awake. I wondered if we were being drugged, if that's why we slept so much and dreamt so vividly. Maybe I should fast for a few days, see if that helped. Except eventually I'd have to eat and then I'd be right back where I was: restlessly trying to avoid sleep and thus my dreams.

Some weren't bad. Some were wonderful. Lovely dreams, of a distant, non-existent past when my family was whole and happy, and even better dreams of an impossible future, when I was happy. But there was one that I dreaded most of all. I could feel it coming on, like an illness. I could predict that dream.

I turned again and found Teal'c studying me. "Sorry," I said unapologetically. To my surprise, he reached out and pulled me into his arms. I stiffened, but he held me tighter, and kissed my face, my forehead.

"Let me help you," he whispered.

"No one can help me."

"I can."

I was so tired. The drugs or whatever were working on me, and I was afraid of the dream that I knew was coming. He was so warm and strong, and he was here, in a way that neither the colonel nor Daniel had been. They were too wrapped up in each other, I thought resentfully, too busy pretending not to be. I sighed, and relaxed into his strength. "Help me, then," I demanded, and he kissed my mouth, lightly.

Then he pulled me even closer, so my ear was next to his mouth, and he began to tell me about his dream.

"We marry on Chulak," he said, and I shivered from his warm moist breath. "We marry each other as we stand on the hill near the stargate. You are beautiful, in white robes, and white flowers in your hair and arms. I kneel before you and beg you to be my wife, and swear my love and fealty to you. I give you a silver ring with seven rubies, set to match the chevrons of the stargate, and kiss your hand. Then I put my arms around your waist and press my face into your dress. You smell of flowers and desire.

"Right there, on the hillside by the stargate, you lie with me, you open your legs to me, and I enter you as we enter the stargate, never knowing what will happen next. You stare up at me as we join and I swear to you that only you have this power over me.

"You are my life, my Samantha, my beloved. I left my god for you, my wife, and my planet. I will worship no other god before you."

I rolled my head back and stared in amazement at Teal'c. He had tears in his eyes. "What kind of dream is that?" I asked him, and he kissed my mouth again, harder this time, and this time I opened my mouth to him.

The bad dream didn't come that night. Teal'c was right; he could help me. I felt the weight of Daniel and the colonel at the foot of the bed and was too embarrassed to do more than kiss Teal'c, but he pulled one of my legs over his hip, so we lay pressed against each other, and I felt how powerfully he desired me.

"When we get home," I said, but I didn't know how to finish. He nodded, and touched me, and I closed my eyes. I wanted this so much. How could I not have known that I wanted this, after all my dreams?

Because I'd had that dream, too. When I didn't have the nightmare, when I didn't dream of my family, I dreamt of Teal'c on that hillside, under the dark sky of Chulak, the stargate near to remind me of how we'd met. In my dream, we'd both knelt and given each other rings, and then kissed as the skies opened and rain pelted us, almost steaming off us in our passion.

I had another dream, too, in which we traveled the galaxy together, a diplomatic team. Daniel and the colonel were living on Abydos, we lived on Chulak, and SG-1 was comprised of other people now, younger people, while the four of us were lovers and friends.

But the bad dream -- some nights the bad dream still came sometimes, no matter what Teal'c did. And in those, death rained down on us, while I searched through crowded streets filled with panicking strangers, looking for Teal'c, calling for Teal'c, but never finding him. And I realized I would die alone, without him. That all his strength and all his love were useless in the face of the galaxy of hate in which we worked, that our negotiation skills were never going to be good enough.

Those nights I woke up crying in Teal'c's arms, while he soothed me and wiped my sweaty hair from my face. I'd see Daniel and the colonel over his shoulders watching me; sometimes they would be holding each other, and I knew they had the same bad dream.

I thought it was a true dream, a dream foretelling what would happen to us. Because I believed that only death would release us from this prison. And one night, after that dream, when I'd felt the heat and shuddering explosion of bombs destroying the city I'd dreamt, I told Daniel and O'Neill to go back to sleep, and then I took Teal'c as my lover and, as we had dreamt, I opened my legs to him. When I cried out in orgasm, I thought I heard Daniel cry out, too, and hoped I had.

Because all we had was each other. We couldn't leave each other behind. We were all we had.

~ ~ ~

I could still hear Carter and Teal'c splashing in the tub, and took advantage of that, pulling Daniel close to me so he could feel my hard-on, know how much I wanted him. He groaned softly, and bit my neck, then we started kissing again, and kind of rubbing against each other.

When they got out of the bath and I heard it start to drain, we pulled back and I saw his lips were wet and swollen. I shoved my hand into his robe and grabbed his dick, imagining that it looked the way it had in my dreams, and jerked him off, quick. When he came in my hands, all hot and sticky, I came, too, just from pushing against his leg.

"Bathroom's all yours," Carter said. Without a word, we both got up and went in together. At that point, Carter and Teal'c had to know, but just like in my dream, nobody said anything. We took off our robes and Daniel started the water running in the tub and got in. It was plenty big enough. I peed first and then got in with him.

And that's how I started having regular sex again. First time since my divorce. And it was with a guy, so maybe Chrissy hadn't been my best friend, maybe he'd been my boyfriend, but I'd been too little to know. Maybe those boys had been right and I'd been a faggot even back then. Not that it mattered now.

The dreams didn't change, though. I still dreamt about Daniel. Maybe not having sex with him so much, since we actually were, but still about him, even when he wasn't in the dreams with me.

Carter and Teal'c were doing it, too. But we didn't notice. Just pretended not to notice. Because it was the only way to give anybody any privacy, and they were nice enough to give us privacy.

Daniel and I had kissed in the bathtub for a long time; he got hard again, but I'm almost fifty, so it would be a while before anything else would happen for me. I remembered how in my dream he fucked me, so I whispered to him, "Fuck me, fuck me," and he exploded in my hand, messing up the bath water.

"Jesus, Jack. Warn a guy first," he finally said. But we didn't have any stuff to use as lube, so we could only jerk each other off or suck each other off, but that was pretty great. He slid his finger into me a little bit, and rubbed me there, and I realized I was getting turned on by the idea of him doing me.

After we cleaned ourselves and the bathroom up, we climbed into that big bed with the others and settled down for more dreams. Daniel and I started sleeping across the foot of the bed, and Carter and Teal'c slept the regular way, their feet near us. But even Teal'c, as big as he is, wasn't too big for that bed. So Daniel and I had our bit and they had theirs, and we all just continued to pretend not to notice anything.

That night it took a while for me to get to sleep; I kept playing with Daniel, not really believing it was real. We kissed and touched each other, teasing, but trying to be quiet and still, so as not to disturb Carter and Teal'c. I couldn't believe I could touch his dick whenever I wanted to. Like it was mine. And when he wrapped those long fingers around my dick, it was better than any stupid dream. "Tomorrow I'm going to suck you off," he whispered into my ear, his breath hot and tickling me, and I nearly went off then, even at my age.

I fell asleep like that, my dick in Daniel's hand. I was back on the train, only it was out in the country now, like I imagine the trains in Europe would be like, rocking gently through green hills. It was stuffy, but I couldn't get the window open; Daniel said that was a metaphor for our prison. I could only look out at how pretty it was, and wish we'd come to a station so I could get out and walk around, get some fresh air. But that train never did stop.

This train would never stop.

I told Daniel all my dreams the next day. We sat on the floor, our backs against the bed, our arms around each other. Between kisses and some feeling each other up, I told him everything. Behind us, I could hear Sam and Teal'c quietly talking, too, and figured they were doing the same. We'd reached some turning point in our imprisonment.

I'd been in prison before; all of us had. But nothing like this. Prisons usually aren't so luxurious, so comfortable. And usually there's hope of escape or reprieve. But here we had nothing but each other. I knew from our first escape attempt that whoever held us captive would let us die before letting us go. Killing the people who brought us our food wouldn't change that.

So I didn't have anything to lose. I put my hands on Daniel's body, the way I'd wanted to for years, and I succumbed to his hot touch, his kisses, and all the while I told him everything. About Chrissy. About holding hands with him in public. Fucking in his office. The train dreams I kept having.

I even told him the bad dream, the dream I pretended I didn't have.

He held me tightly, rubbing my back in long slow strokes. I cried a little. The dream was like being back in Iraq, when I was so scared and hurt. I'd never told anybody about that, and now I told Daniel. And he cried a little, too, and held me so tightly that I knew he'd never let me go. I knew I was safe with Daniel. All our years together, that much I'd learned.

"I love you," I finally whispered to him when I was all talked out. He wiped his eyes and smiled at me, that Daniel smile, the one hardly anybody got to see. "Me, too," he said, and then we lay down together, right on the carpeted floor, and I breathed him in.

I never told anybody that story before, and I'll never tell anybody else. But Daniel knows. He holds my truth in his heart.

~ ~ ~

I'd never felt anything like what I felt for Jack. This overwhelming need to take care of him, to make sure he was safe and happy. This _rage_ at not being able to go back in time and make everything better for him. To make Iraq not have happened, for him not to have lost his little boy. I didn't want him ever to hurt again. I held him tightly and tried to breathe calmly and evenly, to will him all my strength. But it was hard, because I felt so powerfully for him.

When he told me his bad dream, he wept. I'd only seen Jack cry a few times, and it brought tears to my own eyes, to witness his pain. I held him tighter and tried to comfort him, but it was difficult, when I was so uncomforted myself. When we lay down together, something was different. I felt as if we'd made a vow and had committed to each other. His face was sad and tired, and I felt swollen with love for him, with an achy tenderness.

I count that as the first time we made love, even though we'd been kissing and even having sex before. But that time was different. As if we were performing some ancient ritual. Which I suppose in some ways we were. The most ancient of all human rituals: drawing another human being to you, knitting them up with love. And I was vulnerable to him in a way I'd never been before. Like a newborn baby's fontanel, I felt open to him, fragile before him.

I touched him carefully, cautiously. He was still distraught from telling me the dream, and I didn't want to diminish the significance of either the dream or the telling, but I wanted to help him forget for a moment. I opened his robe and stroked his body, from his hairy chest, down his narrow waist, over his bony hips and long thighs, and then back up. I watched as he rose to me, and he blushed even as his hips lifted toward me. I leaned over him and took him into my mouth, and he cried out so loudly that I knew Sam and Teal'c had to hear. But it didn't matter. They were now witnesses to our love, our passion, and to our commitment to each other.

He took a long time to come, which was good, for I had time to play with him and learn what he liked. To my surprise, he opened his thighs to me, lifting his ass slightly, and I slid my wet finger around his anus, stroking him lightly until I realized he was pushing toward me. So I slid my finger inside again, as I hadn't since the first time, and heard him sigh with pleasure. I nearly came myself at that sound, and I knew then what we both wanted. I released him and licked my way towards his opening and began to eat him, licking and thrusting my tongue inside him as deeply as I could, until he came in my hand, thick and hot. "Please," he whispered as I lay myself down on top of him, to slide through his come. I kissed him until I came, too, and then remained on top of him; he was strong enough to bear my weight.

Whatever happened now, we would have each other.

We fell asleep.

~ ~ ~

I watched Daniel and the colonel, amazed. I was learning from them; they were teaching me things I didn't know I needed to learn. From their teasing and bickering, I learned how relaxed love could be. I couldn't remember my parents' relationship, and I'd had none of my own that could be called successful. I'd concluded that I was incapable of a successful relationship, had even cried myself to sleep over it a few times.

But now when they joked or fought, I turned to Teal'c and watched his gentle face as he watched them. And he would reach out to me and I would lie in his arms. Sometimes Daniel would look up at us and smile. Sometimes the colonel would crack a joke and Daniel would smack him, then they'd be off again. But sometimes the colonel would be the one to look up at us, and I'd see relief and affection in his handsome eyes.

One day I realized we had not simply settled into a routine, we had adapted completely. All we had was the empty room with a very big bed, a bathroom, the meal cart every few days, and each other. Nothing to read, to watch, to do. At first we'd made endless plans for escape, of course, but when they failed, we'd turned to each other for comfort. And comfort had turned into something else entirely.

Daniel, as usual, started it. He sat up one day, his hair in his eyes, and said, "I'm going to tell you how to recognize an Acheulian flint." The colonel groaned and put his hand over his eyes, but of course that never stopped Daniel. So he explained the chipping process, and the resultant shape, and how long it had lasted, and why it was considered so elegant. There was nothing to draw with, of course, so he drew in our hands until I could imagine holding the sharp flint, see it lying there, feel its prick against my fingers.

Then the colonel told us about flying a light plane, and why he loved them, and how he wanted to own a little Cessna 150 someday, a classic he'd keep in top repair, and the sounds the engine made under different flying conditions, and about the time he'd flown into Midland-Odessa during a rainstorm and the runway had been slick with tiny frogs, and how he'd sat out the rainstorm in the tiny airport drinking bad coffee.

Each of us had a turn, explaining something, teaching the others not only about flint and light planes but about ourselves, about what made us who we were. Sometimes it took days or even weeks, like when Teal'c taught us the secret silent language the Jaffa used in battle, hand gestures that varied depending on who was talking to whom. Sometimes it was just a few hours, like when I tried to explain why I loved physics so much.

So the teaching phase lasted a long time in our new lives. During it, we also told stories about ourselves, and how we'd become who were were. The men listened quietly when I told them about my mom, and my life-long struggle with anger toward my dad and brother. I lay in Teal'c's arms, and Daniel stroked my shoulders while the colonel held my hand. And when Daniel told us about his life with Sha'uri, the colonel held him while he cried, but Teal'c put his arms around them both and didn't let go, while I stroked Daniel's head and wiped his face.

Eventually the colonel told us about his son, but that story was too terrible and I couldn't hear it. I closed my eyes and rested my head against Teal'c's chest and listened to his heart beat instead.

Other stories were better, happier, and we lay on the bed, sprawling comfortably over each other. Like puppies, Daniel said. I think we were so lonely for comfort and stimulation. Eventually, my discomfort left me and I would plop down right on top of Teal'c or Daniel and finally even the colonel. "I need a hug," I'd say, drawing on the fact that I was the only girl so I could say that, and they'd oblige.

But I always went back to Teal'c.

Making love in front of other people was truly weird. Daniel told us that until very recently that's how all humans managed it; that privacy was a relatively recent concept.

We stopped speaking of going home. That remained too painful.

Daniel told us of his dream of the burning city, and how it made him realize that lying to himself was a waste of what little time he had in this world. The colonel held him tightly when he told us the story, and I could see his eyes glisten when Daniel said, "But Tau just said we're already dead. And I knew he was right. We are already dead. So all that matters is now." They always kissed at that point in the story, and Teal'c drew my face toward his, to kiss me.

"Daniel Jackson is correct," he whispered to me once. "Even Jaffa, who live so much longer than the Tau'ri, know this. We are already dead. Only love survives."

Comfort is hard to find. Don't let it go when you find it. I held on, to all my boys. Teal'c, of course. My little brother Daniel. And my friend Jack.

~ ~ ~

I had the fucking train dream again. I was getting tired of that bitch asking her friend, "What do you want me to tell you?" Daniel thought it was important, that I kept dreaming that, but why? How could it be important?

Teal'c meditated on the question; Carter analyzed it; Daniel talked it through. I tried to ignore it. Carter asked the people who brought us food and stuff, but they just smiled. We didn't know if they understood our language or maybe they were deaf. Didn't matter; they never answered. Just go-fers.

One night I lay in bed, Daniel holding me, snoring adenoidally into my ear, and I thought about the question. The train. Going somewhere but never arriving. Like us, stuck in this stupid room. Unless we could pry open the drains and swim down the sewer, or kick our way through the walls, we were here until our captors released us.

Was Hammond negotiating for our release? Had SG-1 been given up for lost and new members assigned to that designation? What had happened to my house? Daniel's fish? Were Master Bra'tac and Jacob out looking for us? And did any of it matter, really? We were here. Daniel was here.

If he hadn't been there, I'd've gone nuts. I know that. I turned in his arms and kissed him awake; he was sleepy and grumpy, but he's still a young man. If I was awake, he could wake up, and he did, and kissed me back, touching me, making me forget all the shit that was bothering me. Sometimes I wanted Daniel so much it hurt, it physically hurt me. That night was like that, and I grabbed him so tightly the next day I saw my handprint on his arm and hip. But he didn't complain; he tugged me to him and we ended up on the floor, gasping and sweating.

I fell asleep there, happy for a moment, despite being locked up, because at least I was locked up with Daniel, and Daniel loved me. Daniel loved me.

"Don't eat that!" I told him, and knocked the fruit out of his hand. He rolled his eyes at me.

"It's just a blackberry."

"It just looks like a blackberry. Blackberries grow on earth and, in case you hadn't realized, we're not on earth."

"Humans were transplanted here. Maybe blackberries were, too."

"Yeah, and maybe you nearly ate a mouthful of strychnine."

"For god's sake, Jack," he started, but just then Carter and Teal'c pushed their way through the bushes toward us.

"Daniel! Have you tried these? They're delicious!" she called, waving her hat full of berries. Her face was purple with their juice, and Teal'c's mouth was suspiciously dark as well.

"Oh, for cryin' out loud," I muttered, but Daniel just grabbed a handful and popped them into his mouth.

"Delicious," he agreed, and stuck out a purple tongue at me. I gave up and started eating them. They were right; the berries were delicious. Goddammit.

"Let's bring some back with us," Daniel suggested. "Make a cobbler. Janet would like some, I know."

I listened while I ate; they planned how to cart enough berries back to feed the entire SGC. They were good, plump and sweet, the juice staining my fingers and, I knew, my face. Once Daniel caught my eye and leaned over to me, then slid an especially big berry into my mouth, slowly, sensuously. I ate from his fingers and thought: Yup. He's got me eating out of his hand.

I woke up hungry, just as the cart was rolled into the room. No blackberries, of course, but plenty of other stuff, all good. Whoever our captors were, they'd paid attention to what we liked. I sat up and rubbed my eyes; beside me, Daniel groaned and rolled over. On the bed, Sam and Teal'c sat up; I watched them smile at each other, a secret smile I recognized from Daniel smiling at me.

We cleaned up and ate; I told them my berry dream, which made everybody laugh. "Even you, big guy," I told Teal'c, who raised his eyebrows.

"I am not responsible for my behavior in your dreams, O'Neill," he said evenly.

When the meal was through, we put things away as neatly as we could and then tidied up the room, and then exercised for a while. Habits we'd gotten into over the months we'd been here. Ridiculous, really, but helpful, too; I knew that from past time I'd spent in captivity. You have to organize your time, do something that lets you feel a little bit in control. Even though you're really not.

But this morning, once things were put away and we were sprawling on the big bed, like pups in a litter, the door opened again. That had never happened before. We froze.

No one came in. The door was just open. We had no weapons, not even silverware. Just our robes and towels and the bedding. Teal'c and I finally got up and took positions near the door; watching each other, I flung it completely open on the count of three.

No one there.

After a moment, I stuck my head out into the hallway. I'd only seen it once before, when we'd tried to escape. It looked just the same, completely empty, except the door at the far end stood open. Beyond it, I could see sunlight and a meadow.

For a long moment I stood there staring out that door. The light was so bright it hurt my eyes, and they teared up a bit. I couldn't think what to do. I could feel Teal'c watching me cautiously, and behind him I knew Daniel and Carter waited impatiently, fearfully.

A trick? But why? And why now? At last I motioned for Teal'c, who stepped into the hallway with me. He stared at the open door, and shuddered.

"What do you think?" I murmured, not wanting Carter or Daniel to hear.

He took a long time to answer. "I think we should go."

I nodded. I did, too. "Daniel," I called softly. "Carter. Come here."

They poked their heads out the door, looking at us. I reached out my hand, and Daniel came to me. "Look," I whispered to him.

He swayed when he saw the light, and I heard him sigh heavily. Then the four of us walked out of our prison, wearing only the robes on our backs.

The light was blinding. It must've been noon, because the shadows were foreshortened, and it was so bright. When we got outside, I turned around and realized that the building we'd been in was underground. We followed a winding trail up to the top of a hill, and stopped again.

We could see for miles, it seemed. Miles and miles of rolling hills covered in tall waving grasses that shimmered through the spectrum as the light wind blew. And in the distance, the stargate glinted.

Daniel took my hand again, and we started to walk. It was hard on my feet, not having worn shoes for months, but we hobbled along. No one followed us. There didn't seem to be anybody at all on that plain. Just the four of us, walking slowly but steadily toward the stargate.

No GDO, of course, but we'd figure something out. Maybe gate to Chulak and use Master Bra'tac's code. Something. It didn't matter. What mattered was we were out of prison and about to leave this fucking world.

Before we got to the gate, though, the chevrons began clicking into place, and the event horizon whooshed out. When it settled down into its shimmering surface, I made everybody crouch down and wait to see who or what would emerge.

Within a few seconds, SG-11 came through. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe I was seeing the SGC uniform again, I couldn't believe I was seeing humans from earth again. We stood up and waited for them.

Major Sanderson led the way to us, his team following cautiously. "Colonel O'Neill? Is that you?"

I discovered I couldn't answer. Daniel gripped my hand tighter, and I put my other hand on top of his, to stop it from trembling. "Yeah," I whispered. "Tell me you're real."

"Jesus shitting Christ," he said, staring at me. "It is you. It's SG-1. Holy shit."

"Can you get us home?" I asked. His surprise was taking the edge off mine, I discovered.

"You bet we can. Jesus Christ. SG-1." He shook his head. "Hensen, dial earth. Let's get them home." All four members of the team were staring at us, open-mouthed in surprise.

He was discreet enough not to ask where we'd been, although I could feel his curiosity boiling out of him. When the DHD's glyphs were lit up and the stargate spinning again, I had a moment of panic, thinking that something would stop us. It couldn't be this easy, not after all this time. But it was, it was. The wormhole engaged, SG-11 led the way up the steps, and then we were walking down the ramp in the SGC, where Hammond stood, red faced, mouth open in shock, and Sergeant Davis yelled, "Medical team to the gateroom!" over and over again.

And then we were home.

~ ~ ~

"Negotiations?" the colonel bellowed. I slipped my hand into Teal'c's beneath the table. Daniel put an arm around the colonel and pulled him back into his seat.

The general sat calmly, although I could tell by the expression on his face that he was upset. MacKenzie was here; that quack, as Colonel O'Neill always called him. Janet sat next to him and stared at me. Major Davis from the Joint Chiefs of Staff sat stiffly and observed.

"Colonel O'Neill," the general said at last, and I heard Daniel whisper, "Jack. Let him talk." The colonel made a go-ahead gesture, fluttering his hand in the general's direction. General Hammond sighed, and said, "They told us you were engaged in delicate negotiations with them, on earth's behalf. And in fact, the day before you, uh, appeared, they offered a treaty with us, for mining rights to a stretch of the river our geologists tell us is rich with trinium. We assumed that's what's you'd been negotiating for.

"But Colonel," he added, and I sat up straighter at his tone of voice, "at no time did we passively accept what they were telling us. You were gone for over _four months_. Give me some credit," he said bitterly. "I knew you'd never spend four months negotiating for trinium and never contact the SGC."

"Sorry, General," the colonel muttered. "It's just . . ."

"I understand."

All four of us were silent. Of course he didn't understand. How could he? We'd been debriefed for nearly a week, and no one understood. Why didn't we try to escape again? Why did we eat the food, drink the water, if we thought it was drugged? Over and over again, the doctors and investigators asked us. Major Ferretti had been by to see the colonel, but had quickly left.

No one would ever understand. I held on to Teal'c's hand even tighter, and he held squeezed back. I wanted to be dismissed, so we could go to our quarters. It was still difficult, to be with this many people at one time. I wanted to be with Teal'c, and to work on the computer, trying to catch up on everything that had happened since we'd been gone. Taken.

It was a bad dream, but a bad dream that had eaten part of my life. I didn't know how to get back to where I'd been. I didn't even know if I wanted to.

"General Hammond," Daniel said quietly, and we all looked at him. "Could we be excused? I think I've had enough for today." He looked pale, as pale as the colonel was flushed. I certainly felt the same way, and looked anxiously at the general, who sighed.

"I think that's a good idea, son. Dismissed."

MacKenzie opened his mouth, but the general glared at him and he shut it. Janet and Major Davis kept staring at us, as if they couldn't believe we were here. Well, neither could I.

We filed out and down the stairs, and began the long walk back to the VIP quarters where we were being held. "Captives again," Daniel whispered, and I thought it was funny.

It wasn't funny.

I wondered when my dad would show up, and what he'd say. I wondered if they'd split us up. I wondered if they thought we were compromised now, and if the NID or some other agency would take us away, and we'd never get out of prison. I remembered walking through the sunlight on that other world, the one we'd only seen for a few minutes the entire time we'd been there, and wished I could see sunlight on the earth again.

Once in our rooms, Daniel and the colonel lay down together on a narrow bunk, Daniel speaking softly to him. Calming him down, I thought. I sat on another bunk with Teal'c pressed against me, and tried to imagine what had gone on when we'd disappeared. How frustrated the general must've been when the aliens had refused to let us speak to him. That's when Major Davis had been brought in, and he'd been responsible for the negotiations. I guess we owed our release to him.

I dozed for a bit, but dreamlessly, and woke when there was a knock on the door. No one moved or said anything, and after a minute, it opened slowly, and Major Davis looked in.

"I'm sorry to disturb you," he said softly, and came in, shutting the door behind him. He didn't come too close, but pulled a chair around to face us. "I wanted to tell you how courageous I think you are. I can't imagine going through what you did."

The colonel rolled onto his back and stared at him. "It wasn't courageous," Daniel said softly. "We didn't have a choice."

"You always have choices," the major said, and I listened more closely; I could hear the knowledge in his voice. "You chose to stay together and live. That was a good choice, I think."

There was a silence, and then Teal'c asked, "What reason did they give you for our absence?"

"Nothing believable," he said, and I relaxed again. "No one believed that you'd simply disappear like that. As maverick as SG-1 is, no one believed that. You know we sent many search parties through, as often as they'd let us. Not that we told them they were search parties. But we had someone on that planet nearly every day you were gone."

"Thank you," the colonel said at last. I watched Major Davis watch them, lying together on the bunk. He glanced up at one of the cameras watching us, too.

"Do you think they'll ever let us go home?" Daniel asked. I closed my eyes at the look on Davis's face.

"I don't know, Doctor Jackson," he said, his eyes flicking up to the camera again. "I certainly hope so."

"Never," O'Neill said abruptly. "We're too compromised. They don't believe us."

"I believe you," Davis said sharply. "The general does. Doctor Fraiser. Doctor MacKenzie does, too."

"But the NID? The Joint Chiefs?"

Davis was silent. At last he said, "We're working on that."

"So we're still prisoners," Daniel said sadly, and put his face into the colonel's shoulder.

No one answered. Davis finally stood up and said, "I'm doing my best, Daniel." Then he left us.

The camera watched us.

I turned to Teal'c, and he slid his arm around my waist, so I rested against him. "The colonel's right," I told him softly. "They think we're compromised. They'll never let us go."

"Dammit, Carter," O'Neill said. "Don't catch my pessimism. I look to you kids to figure this out."

We sat there for a long time. I felt Teal'c sigh, and tighten his arm around me. "We must leave earth." I looked up at him in surprise. "O'Neill. I believe we must return to P5X-699 and speak with our captors. They must persuade your president that we have not been compromised."

The colonel lifted his head. "I don't want to risk it. What if they put us in that hole in the ground again?"

"They will not."

"And you know this because . . . ?

"He's right, Jack," Daniel said suddenly, sitting up straighter. "Why would they? They got what they wanted; we know that because they agreed to the treaty."

"I agree, sir. We have to go back."

"Davis will help us," Daniel said confidently, and I thought he was right. The colonel got up and shut out the lights, and Teal'c and I lay down together. He kissed me gently, and I fell asleep with my head on his shoulder.

The next day, Major Davis and General Hammond came to see us. Teal'c said, "You must help us escape. We must return to P5X-699."

They looked at each other, but not in surprise. "We had anticipated this request," Davis finally said.

"Colonel O'Neill?" the general asked.

He nodded. "Thought about it all night, sir. Teal'c's right. We need to go back. But not alone. Davis and SG-11 should come with us, since they're the ones who finalized the treaty. And Doctor Fraiser, to make sure we're not drugged or something."

The general nodded. "I agree. It'll be a little tricky, but I think we can do this. Major Davis?"

"I think we have to, sir. But Colonel O'Neill," he added earnestly. "You and your team need to stay with us at all times. If any of you are separated, the concerns will only increase."

"Got it, Davis," he said, and I nodded agreement. Major Davis and the general looked at each other, exchanging some message, and then they rose.

"Stay frosty," the general murmured as he left. That was one of the colonel's phrases; I'd never heard General Hammond use it before. I felt that was significant, but I didn't know why.

In less than two days I did. We had to get through more questioning by various members of the NDI, but suddenly, in the middle of the night, the lights came on, and Major Davis was shaking us awake. "Let's go," he whispered. Janet was waiting in the hallway; she hugged me and my teammates. In the gateroom, SG-11 stood ready. The stargate was already engaged and the event horizon shimmered eerily. I didn't see the general, nor could I tell who had opened the gate. Maybe Hensen; he knew how.

And then we were back on the rolling hills of P5X-699.

~ ~ ~

Majors Sanderson and Davis led the way across the grassy fields of P5X-699. O'Neill and Daniel Jackson followed, then Sergeant Hensen, then Samantha, Doctor Fraiser, and I, and then the other two members of SG-11, Lieutenant Rodomski and Sergeant Kostner. No one spoke.

We walked for approximately twenty minutes, until we reached a low earthen wall. Set into it was a metal circle, like a miniature stargate, but with a bell hung from it. Major Davis pulled a rope and the bell rang out loudly. In a few moments, three hominids climbed up from the earth, opening a door I had not recognized.

They appeared human, although taller and considerably more thin than most humans I have met. They were dressed in the same robes we had worn while in captivity. I saw O'Neill stiffen, and Daniel Jackson put his hand on O'Neill's back.

The three indigenous people bowed, as did Major Davis and Major Sanderson. "Welcome," one of them said.

"Thank you, Ipolyto," Major Davis said. "As you see, SG-1 has returned with us."

"We are honored," a second native said, and they all bowed again, to us. "How may we serve you?"

"What the fuck did you think you were doing?" O'Neill said. The three natives' eyes grew round, perhaps at the violence in his voice. Major Davis glanced at him.

"Yes, Ipolyto. We are curious. Why did you keep SG-1 incommunicado for so long?"

"Incommunicado?" one of them asked, and the three of them conferred in their own tongue, one I did not recognize. At last, the first one, Ipolyto, said, "But they were not incommunicado. They spoke to each other very much. And they joined us in the draumr."

"Draumr?" Daniel Jackson said. "Dreaming?"

"A visionary creation of the imagination," Ipolyto explained.

"Draumr," Daniel Jackson repeated quietly. "Did you drug us?"

"Drug? No. No drug. To be here is to dream. It is a joy, a vision, another life."

There was silence at this statement. I was unfamiliar with this concept of dreaming. Jaffa do not dream. We act, or we do not. We do not dream.

Except I had. Powerful dreams, dreams I hoped were visionary. Dreams of foretelling; I had heard of these, from my mother and from her mother. Certain people can do this. They cast themselves down, in a fit or seizure, and when they arise, they hold the future in their mind's eye as a pebble in the hand.

Was that what I had experienced? Was my dream of Samantha a foretelling? I glanced at her, standing tall by my side. Beautiful and brave, strong and intelligent. A warrior, like me, and a scholar, like Daniel Jackson. Someone to share my life with. If I believed in the dreams these people gave us.

O'Neill said, "You've fucked us over pretty good with those dreams. Did you know that? Did you do it on purpose? Everybody at home thinks you've rigged us somehow, so now we'll do what you tell us to."

The strangers looked puzzled; one shook his head. "Major Davis, you did not tell us of this."

"You wouldn't tell us where SG-1 was," he said forcefully. "We had no idea you were keeping them in some half-dream state."

"Not half," the third one said. "Whole. They were whole then. Not like now." He looked scornfully at us. "Only asleep can they be whole. Now they are broken, and useless to us."

"I'm sorry," Major Davis said. "I don't know what you mean, that they're broken. In what way?"

The three creatures turned their heads to look at each other. Ipolyto said, "Umdraumr. Not dreaming." He looked down at me. "You do not dream, yes?"

"Yes."

He shrugged. "He is umdraumr. We cannot negotiate with the umdraumr."

"The undraumr are not human," the third one murmured, and the other two nodded.

Major Davis said, "But you negotiated with us, with SG-11 and me."

"No," Ipolyto said firmly. "You spoke the words. Your ink covered the page. But SG-1 negotiated. Otherwise, we would not have known how to speak to you."

He turned to look at Daniel Jackson and O'Neill. "We learn much from you, of other peoples, other cultures. We learn we are not alone, not the first. And we learn that your people, like ours, are capable of much love." He turned to Samantha and me. "From you we learn how much love, and how much pain."

"So you read our minds?" Daniel Jackson asked.

"No. Draumr only. Our privilege."

"Do you dream while awake?"

"Yes," the third one spoke up. "Dreaming now. Cannot function without."

"On earth, where I now live," I told him, "the authorities are suspicious of us because we were gone so long. They believe that you may have put an alien device into us, so you can monitor our home world."

The three looked scandalized. "We do not. We wait for you to dream. You are draumr. We will wait for you to dream again before concluding these negotiations."

"What negotiations?" O'Neill asked. "The treaty is signed."

"To free you," Ipolyto said. O'Neill took a step back, pushing Daniel Jackson behind him.

"Fuck that," he said. "We are free. You let us go home to earth."

Major Davis said, "Can you explain what you mean -- to free them? Free them from what? And how?"

The three aliens stared at each other. Major Sanderson's grip tightened on his P-90, and the other members of SG-11 stepped protectively around us. I stood straighter and put my hand on Samantha's shoulder.

At last, Ipolyto said, "Draumr frees. Releases? My English is not good. Releases." And I felt myself falling, saw Samantha and the others fall, and watched as the world turned upside down.

Chulak is a dark world, I think, though whether literally dark or emotionally dark because of all that has happened there, I do not know. Once I spoke to Daniel Jackson about this phenomenon; he postulated that the darkness is psychological, but when he explained the term "psychological," I did not believe him. He is a wise and kind young man who has seen much in this wide and evil galaxy, but I do not believe the Tau'ri understand psychology yet, not even Daniel Jackson.

But Chulak remains to me a dark world. I lay on the ground near the stargate and stared up into its dark sky, a deepening purple smudged with darker clouds. The stargate gleamed dully, an open wound leading to pain and death. I remembered marrying Samantha Carter on this hillside, but that had been many decades ago. My wife had died, an old woman, her beautiful hair wispy and thin, her strong body wasted with illness and age. She had refused a Tok'ra; Jolinar had been enough, all those years ago.

I had watched O'Neill die, too, in his own bed on earth, with Daniel Jackson kneeling beside him, holding his hand. He had refused to be taken to a hospital, and though he died in pain, he died amid great love. I remember him fading, and I wept for the loss of my friend and the pain of those who survived him.

And last of all my Tau'ri teammates, I remember Daniel Jackson dying. Fighting to the end. I will not speak of that death.

Finally I was dying. A much longed-for release from my body. I no longer believe in gods or in an afterlife. I will not rejoin my beloved wife, nor my dear friends. They have been lost to me for many years; another generation of Tau'ri has grown up to go through the stargate that Daniel Jackson opened, to fight the Goa'uld, to befriend other races among the stars. I have watched them, and guided them, and now I leave them to their own devices.

I lay upon the hillside by the stargate, where so many memories crowded me that I found breathing difficult. In a moment of weakness, I wished one of my loved ones had survived long enough to comfort me now, as I left this life forever, but I would not wish them that pain, and let that thought go. I was a warrior; as in my life, I would go alone. Only my teammates had soothed that loneliness, but not even they could vanquish it. Life was, I knew, loneliness, sorrow, and pain, pierced with fleeting moments of delight.

I closed my eyes on the stargate and remembered those moments of delight.

I died.

When I awoke, I lay again on a hillside, on another planet, surrounded by the sleeping bodies of my Tau'ri friends. The three aliens stood over us, as if on guard. When I stirred, Ipolyto reached down and helped me up. He stood much taller than I and looked down into my eyes.

"You are free," he said. "Help your friends and leave. The treaty is concluded." They left, disappearing through the door in the ground.

I turned to look at the others. Major Davis looked most uncomfortable, so I straightened his body and neck. Sergeant Kostner had fallen onto his weapon, which I pulled out and placed beside him. Then I turned to Samantha.

While on this world, so far from home and hope, she had taken me as a lover. I had loved her for some time now, and found her wholly desirable. Her time, however brief, as a host for the Tok'ra Jolinar, had made her more desirable, for she understood the strange interaction and the stranger attraction between symbiote and host. Her intelligence and passion were as desirable to me as her body.

I stroked the hair from her forehead, and knelt beside her to kiss her lips. She stirred, and opened her eyes, and smiled.

"Teal'c," she whispered, and I kissed her again. She put her arms around my neck and I pulled her to a sitting position. She rested her head against my shoulder. "I thought you were gone. I thought they were all gone."

"I know."

"But it isn't true. We have our whole lives ahead of us. We still have time."

"I know."

"Do you love me, Teal'c? What's happening to me?"

"I love you, Samantha Carter. I do not know what is happening to you, or to me, but I know that I love you. Will you love me, Samantha? Will you pledge your heart and your body to me?"

Tears fell from her strange blue eyes, and I kissed them away. "Yes," she whispered, and a light breeze stirred around us. I could hear the others awakening. "Yes. Yes. Yes."

"What the hell was that?" Major Davis asked, rubbing his neck.

"Ipolyto told me the treaty was concluded, and that we should return to earth," I reported. He stared at me, and at Samantha, who still sat with her arms around me. He smiled, and nodded.

"I think we should, too."

"Jack, Jack," Daniel Jackson said, and I saw he was helping O'Neill sit up. "Are you all right?"

"Right as rain," O'Neill said, but I heard grief in his voice. His eyes met mine, and I knew he had seen visions similar to mine, of death and the end of our worlds.

"Liar," Daniel Jackson whispered to him.

"Why does this stuff happen to SG-1?" Major Sanderson said, stretching before sitting up. "Last time I go on a mission with you guys."

"There does seem to be a pattern," Major Davis agreed as he helped Lieutenant Rodomski up. "Doctor Fraiser? All you all right?"

She rubbed her head. "What a dream. Is that what you guys did all this time? Wow."

"Draumr," Daniel Jackson corrected her, and helped her to stand.

When we were all up, we looked to O'Neill and Major Davis. "We're through here," O'Neill said, and Major Davis nodded.

"The treaty is concluded. We go home. And I think we'll be able to persuade the few who are worried about SG-1 that all is well?" He looked at Doctor Fraiser.

"I don't see why not."

"But you've suffered the same dreaming we have. Won't you be suspect, too?" Daniel Jackson asked.

"That will not go in any report I write," O'Neill said, and Sanderson smiled.

"Not in any written report, no."

"So you'll just lie?" He did not sound scandalized, but merely interested. As I was. The Tau'ri are a strange people.

"Not lying, Daniel," O'Neill said, turning him toward the stargate, urging us forward. "Just closing the books on this one."

"Major Davis?" he asked over his shoulder.

"The colonel is correct, Daniel," he said, and I wondered what he had dreamed. "No one needs to know. I believe this is truly a don't ask, don't tell situation."

Major Sanderson made an odd choking noise, but I believe he was laughing. "No shit, Major," he said, and then, "Pick up the pace, people. I'd like to get back before the next bout of narcolepsy hits us all."

"Technically, it wasn't narcolepsy," Daniel Jackson started to explain, but sighed and stopped.

"Will they believe us?" Samantha Carter wondered.

Doctor Fraiser said, "They'll believe _me_. And they'll believe Major Davis. And the general already believes. We're talking about SG-1 after all."

"After all," Major Davis agreed.

While Daniel Jackson entered the appropriate glyphs for home on the DHD, I turned to survey the world behind us. The building we'd been held captive in, the building where the three aliens had gone, were invisible, buried beneath the waving grasses and rolling hills of this world. It was a quiet place, a place of contemplation.

I felt Samantha take my hand and turned back to look down at her. She was watching the stargate as it opened to us. "Will you have dinner with me tonight, Teal'c?" she asked, staring straight ahead.

"It would be my pleasure," I told her, and she smiled.

"That was some first contact," Major Davis said, and then we stepped into the wormhole, and I took Samantha home.


End file.
